Thank You

When you’re near All the things around become fair The clouds in my head start to clear Heavy loads vanquish into thin air Confusion hit me Made me think to run and flee Couldn’t stand the voiceless wrath So I decided to go on a clearer path But when you came, all excuses become lame The dark world where I’m in Suddenly becomes so clear and safe Just the sight of you melts away all my fears I don’t know what to say But I thank you for being here… R.A.A. 04/18/10

The Trip that was

After several months of being stuck in my so-called new "arena", I exercised my freedom by taking a three-day trip to the big city. Well purposely it should have been all about unwinding and meeting up friends whom I haven't seen for a while. I really wanted to let go of the detrimental feeling that has been trying to lure me into the eerie space of abomination.

My trip started out with a big bang – it was so nauseous getting to the Kalibo airport (probably because I was attacked by my other best friend (insomnia) the night before the trip). I was pretty worried that I might feel the same way on the plane so I loaded myself with a mouthful of Chewy Chocos (my travel buddy) in order to interrupt that not-so-good feeling in my stomach. But the discomfort didn’t stop there. The aircraft started jerking 10 minutes after it took off. It was like it is going to crash and that gave me goose bumps. “Am I gonna face my end right now?” I asked myself. Well of course I prayed for the turbulence to stop and for God to spare me this moment for I still have lots of things to accomplish. The flight went smoothly then after that short disturbance.

We landed accordingly at NAIA Terminal 3 and I was able to get on Francis’ car before getting crashed. I was so exhausted that I could not even remember the plans that I authored days before the travel. We met up my childhood BFF Ines and her husband Nilo at Bacolod Chicken Inasal somewhere in Makati and were treated with a sumptuous dinner. The meal really looked inviting but with my palate that time, I had opted for a banana sundae. But all in all, that meeting was a jovial one for me.

My Saturday didn’t start really well for I slipped on the bathroom floor and bumped myself on the flash tank that resulted my right arm’s swelling. I thought I had a fracture because there was this searing pain on that part of my body and I was left immobilized. I was so afraid that I might end up in a hospital and will go home with a cast. That’s not so good! But luckily I was able to regain my composure and started preparing myself for a business endeavor.

The meeting went well; I was able to converge with some nice people from UNO. I was given an overview about the business which I willingly absorbed and considered to give it a thought. Many interesting things were brought up and I could say that first acquaintance was fruitful and stimulating for someone like me who is just starting to spread her wings and fly across the challenging field of business.

I met Ninong up (my other childhood BFF) later that day while chilling out with Francis and Donna in Galleria. We then started window shopping and decided to go out that night. I was so tempted to shell out some bucks for some unforgiving items that I couldn’t get out of my head. The desire to pay for something for myself was so intense; I mean I only get to visit my comfort zone once in a year or maybe less than that. So why not give myself a chance to splurge while I am still around?

Unfortunately, the slight accident that took place in the morning gave me chills = fever the reason why I was unable to fill my desire to shop. I also have this vow to myself that I should set aside those desires if it’s not really that necessary. So off we went to the pension house and slept like logs.

I woke up the next day full of energy and enthusiasm for the day’s activity – the shopping for business. I was so dumbfounded by how vast the displays of items were, giving me confusion on what really to buy. But because of my strong fashion sense (hehe), we were able to acquire stuffs that are high in quality with fair prices which means good business. Though tired and exhausted, we went back to my very serene Manila abode, Pension Natividad, with satisfied smiles on our faces.

After a short rest, I went to MOA to meet Francis for a seafood trip. A few bottles of beer partnered with chili shrimps, barbecued squids, and a nice exchange of views about almost everything kept me relaxed that night. Everything was so tranquil except for the clinking of the bangles that I bought which was pretty much annoying so I had to take it off.

I could say the trip was a good one amidst all of those howlers that were trying to prevent me from pulling off my goals. I am very much appreciative of my friends who paved their way just to meet me, help me out, and keep me company – you know who you are, guys! There is only one thing I regret about: I should have planned a longer vacation in the big city for me to spend more time unwinding with them. But chances are I will be doing that in the near future (in one month’s time or so) and I will be seeing them once again.

When opportunity knocks at the window...

Another opportunity knocked at my door and it is so agitating not to consider nor give it a thought. Perhaps it is because I know I can handle such responsibility and i would feel guilty if I'll let it slip off my hands without even considering it.

But the thing is I have a lot of things that's been going on - I've got lots of things on my plate that sometimes I could feel my body starts to stupefy and my brain cells pulverized. But then again, my mission to traverse a life on a different perspective is what makes me go on and keep on moving. It would be an understatement if I'd say I can do all of these without feeling tired and being fed up.

Funny thing is that up to this minute, I still couldn't feel my value, my being indispensable in the sense that losing me can put something into a halt. All my life I've been seeing myself as an ordinary individual who can be replaced by someone else every time they want to. My skills and talents, whatever you call it, are just ordinary abilities that anyone can do. Perhaps this mindset was caused by my unimpressive past and that I couldn't scratch off my back. The result? Low self-esteem and distrust to myself and others whenever I hear praises and recognition. I still haven't moved on from the dark shadow of the past.

But somehow, these new opportunities are little by little helping me regain my self-confidence and it's all-good. And if by chance I do cross over, I can tell myself soundly that I am valuable after all.

Getting more personal...

Should I become a mother first and set aside my goal for a promising career advancement, or should I prioritize things the other way around? Perhaps it is easier for an early 20s to say, "I should be worrying about my career first and let motherhood take its place after I reach my peak." But what if you are already on your prime (just like me) whose family and friends are so inquisitive about settling down and raising your own family? That's a lot of a pressure, isn't it?

A week ago, a thought about it wasn't that pressuring for me. I've set my plans and my goals and pictured out the two sides of the coin - the so-called "career enhancement" of mine. Though squeamish and risky, I still pursued my first step because of its raciness - or maybe because of the ponderous influence of an adherent. I could say the influence pulled me out from drowning and I am grateful for that. Without it, I might be living in complacency for the next hundred years.

But something happened recently that made me pause and reflect for a while. To cut down the chase, the issue about getting married and having a baby was brought about and got more intense. I became a thing being scrutinized under the spotlight with the spectators glaring up on me. I should ask why me; but then again I already know the answer.

Matters of the Heart

The Other Side of the Happy Me

It felt so good that I forgot the real deal between us. I enjoyed pretending that we are going to act and treat each other the same way after a night of being together. I was drowned into the elixir of happy endings that I forgot how to resurface and go back to the real world.

It felt so good that I loved the feeling so much. I was joyous and contented and enjoyed every moment being with him. Never have I ever thought of losing what we have because everything was so perfect. I was blinded by the perfection of the show that when the curtain was closed, the pang of misery started to take its toll on me.

He’s now away that I couldn’t even remember how to smile. I feel so sorry for myself…

*************

The Book without a Tale

I am a book without a tale
for people who are too shallow to tell
lot of things in me you will see
if u turn the pages and try reading me

There are funny and bitter stories
romantic and horrific, even heartbreaking memories
from the reddest morning to the blackest night
from bundles of laughter to piles of sighs

But only a few can read me through
only those who accept what I'm really into
but alas! my friend, you can never really tell
this simple book you belittle and despise
has the most marvelous stories that no any other book can provide...

**********************

One Night Only

One-night only, we won't really know
whether it's going fade away as the sun rises
or leave traces in your body and soul
the feeling of being desired can push someone to plunge
into a deadly game of passion and forbidden romance.

One-night only, so impetuous, so heedless
despises the word tomorrow just to satisfy the thirst of the flesh
does not worry being with someone who'll leave as darkness disappears
all being wanted was to soar anywhere like a bird
or empty the bottle of ecstatic serum to its last drop.

One-night only, so arousing and yet frustrating
for someone who easily falls without even thinking
for someone with a heart as soft as a feather
for love can melt anyone's heart
even the heart of a dark king who isn't fit to be loved.

*****************************

Losing you was like drowning in the sea of darkness,
no sign of light, only those of death and betrayal...

Struggling to pull myself out to reach the surface,
oblivious of the reality that is unknown to every entity...

Will i ever surpass this unrelenting melancholy
or prolong this gasping until I meet the faceless eternity?

*******************

The Man on the Beach

The scenes I had just imagined made me forget where I was for a while - until I discovered that I was deserted by my friends, walking all alone on the white-sand beach. I must admit I liked being abandoned by them, for I was able to relax after having more-than-enough drink at the party.

I was wearing my favorite red cashmere, two-piece bikini underneath a see-through sun dress. The luminous light coming from the moon created a soothing effect on the beach; it pushed me to go into the water. I so enjoyed my time floating in the water that I didn't notice someone swimming towards my direction.

We both tripped on each other, made me swallow a lot of sea water and hurt my eyes at the same time. So I panicked for I thought I was going to drown. I couldn't seem to move. While I was trying to catch my breath, a mouth covered mine and gave me back the power to breathe on my own again. But who is this man whom had given his breath to help me find mine again?

When the man realized that I was conscious again, he started to move away; but I would not let him. I did not know what I was thinking that time; all I wanted was to clasp my arms around his neck - to pull him down and make his mouth meet mine again - and I did it. I was bewitched by his kiss.

This man and I, out there in the open, feeling the fine, cold sand on our bodies.. with the silver moon above us.. Everything seemed perfect that time. His eyes were deep, dark brown; his body hard and strong and as lean as a whipcord. All I wanted that time was to see him naked, and to have him see me naked, too.....


II

I was possessed by the urge to feel his lips over mine and all over my body - on my nape, my earlobes, lingering down my throat - lower.. and lower... very slowly... His hands tried to push my dress up over my thighs, and began a maddening slow exploration down there; while his lips and tongue made my nipples so hard and sensitive that I almost cried out loud. I tried to stop myself from screaming so I just took a deep breath that sounded too much like a sigh.

He stared at me lustfully, drowning me in passion. I hated the scrutiny for I couldn't fight back. How did he make such teasing that I could not refuse? He has snatched my sanity and I wanted him so badly... feel his maleness inside me... make him taste the sweet juice that oozes from my succulent pot of honey....


III

The rest of my thought was cut off by his kiss, this time harsh and demanding. His hands on my body were no longer tender as he began to strip my bikini off me. His urgency reminded me of a tiger, forcing me to meet his uncompromising gaze while my hair was wrapped around his fist. I fought back at his gaze with a temptress' glare, and then saw the smile crinkles deepen at the corners of his eyes and mouth before releasing me. But when he made sure I was already lying on my back, he then knelt between my parted legs...

He asked me if I want him to pursue what we have started, and I responded by reaching out and touching him... I felt the swelling hardness of him on my hands, quivering on every touch that I made. I liked the idea of him feeling so helpless under my touch. So I wanted more... I stood up, made him lie on his back..positioned between his legs.. and submissively put his throbbing member inside my mouth...


IV

I didn't know what happened next. All I know is that I felt so battered and consumed. We were lying side by side on the sand, staring blankly into space, listening to the sound of the waves. Still catching my breath from our "intimate" battle, I shifted my body to face him, hoping to at least recognize my assailant. Alas! He was trying to do the same thing, too.

Our flesh touched once again, felt his skin burning against mine. It sent currents in my body that made me ache for him to consume me again. This time, he pushed so hard and deep that I was moaning like a heifer in heat. He was like a tiger once again, roaring and gritting his fangs while tearing his prey apart....


V

My friends found me sleeping soundly in a hammock outside our cottage. They made fun of me for they thought I was too drunk to make it to bed. Was I really drunk? But what about that sizzling sex last night? The man I made love to? Were they for real or just the effect of multiple tequila shots?

Maybe the girls were right. I was too drunk to remember what has happened to me the other night. And perhaps, that man who sucked up my energy was all but a dream.

I prepared myself for a dinner with the girls and my best friend's fiance. Well, we were actually in the island because of her despedida de soltera. She's going to tie a knot in few weeks' time. I haven't seen her boyfriend even in pictures. He lives far from here and they've only been together for less than a year. The engagement was even a shock for us, her friends. She seemed to be in haste to settle down. Anyway, it's about time that I must finally meet the man my best friend is so in love with.


VI

They were all there when I came in. I showed up a little late because I spent an hour in the shower. I wanted to be refreshed and bubbling again after that tremendous night. No new face with my friends on the table, but I noticed a man standing in the bar talking to a crew. I had that odd feeling upon seeing him. He seemed so familiar to me – his so-short hair, his nape.. have I met him before? Oh my.. was he the man in my dream? But how come? Or was it really a dream? I doubted again.

My questions were finally answered when my best friend pulled the man towards me. Dear heavens, it's him! It wasn't a dream! He's for real! He was so shocked when he saw me and so am I. All we did was to look at each other, said nothing, and reminisce the exploration we had on the beach. Yes, I made love to a stranger, and that stranger is my best friend's soon-to be-husband.....